Health Education- GW Style
by Cruel Angel1
Summary: This is all non-yaoi, to warn you all. Its only rated R for the things described. Zechs and Noin in the next chapters, and use of Voodoo dolls.
1. Chapter 1: No need for old friends

Health Education: Gundam Wing Style  
  
Chapter 1: No need for old "friends"  
  
"Ugh, they got to you guys too?" moaned a very grumpy Duo Maxwell. It was 3 months after the   
Second Eve War that the courts had come for them. Apparently, all citizens under the age of 19   
were required to attend school  
  
**************************************  
  
Heero was the first to get caught. The social workers came after him with all they had, tranquelizers, tear gas, rubber bullets, and the Pillsbury doughboy. When all except the latter had no effect, they threatened to call in Relena if he didnt give up. He agreed, naturally. Then they put him in a straight jacket and loaded him with enough thorazane to render a wooly mammoth uncounscious. They were about to put him in an ambulance, then decided not to for safety reasons. They eventually put him in the back of a FedEx truck where he threatened to kill everybody, especially " the Pillsbury Baka". By the time they got to the dorm, Heero had said the words "Omae o koruso" exactly 2,894 times.   
  
Next was Wufei. They had told him that they were taking him to an all boys school. Nuff said  
  
Authors note: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!  
  
Quatre without trouble. In fact he seemed quite happy.   
  
When Trowa was asked to come he said " . . . . . " . They took that as a yes.  
  
Duo proved to be the the most struggle. He had heard of Heero's capture and made a run for it.   
He tried to dress up as a woman and hide out at JC Pennys. {Wufei's comments:Weakling!! } but that only made him more . . . conspicious. When word of this got to Hilide, she sweatdropped.   
  
"All men's school my buttocks! This is an injustice!!"  
"Mission: Survive. Mission: Accepted "  
"You guys! We shouldn't be fighting. Look on the bright side! At least we only have to go to  
a couple of classes!" said the always nice-guy Quatre.  
"Really? Which ones?! I have to know what kind of goofy comments to make!" said Duo   
"A typical response from the braided baka" said the stoic Heero.  
" health, science, and reading" said Trowa, for the first time in this fic.  
" HE SPEAKS!" Duo yelled.  
  
*** later, when they entered the school auditorium*****  
  
"Man, what the poop is takin so long?!" said Duo  
"Shut up or I will kill you" said Heero  
"Guys! This isn't right! We shouldn't be fighting!" said Quatre  
" There is no justice"  
" . . . . . . "  
"Why are we in here anyways! I'm hungry, when's lunch?!"  
"Duo, you baka, its only 9:15 and we had breakfast 30 minutes ago"  
"Not to mention you ate MY lunch on the bus! Injustice!"  
" We're in her because we are being introduced to the teachers! I do hope everyting's alright, they've been taking quite a while"  
"I can hear arguments! Must be some weakling onnas causing injustice!"  
"Jeez Woofers, can you say a single sentance without using the words justice?!"  
"Can it you Braided Baka! AND my name is CHANG WUFEI ! LEARN IT !!!"said Wufei.  
"Finally." said Heero.  
  
Finally, the teachers step out behind the curtains, two of them looking VERY pissed off and potentially homicidal. To say the least. A very evil looking woman who just happened to look VERY much like Colonel Une picked up the microphone.   
  
"Ahem. My fellow comrades. You will follow my strict order from this day forth until the day you graduate! Before I introduce my subordin- I mean your teachers, are there any question?  
  
Duo raised his hand "Yo, are you That Colonel Schiz- I mean Une!"  
"One more outburst from you and it will be detention!"Duo lowered his hand, sniggering.   
  
"Are there any more questions?" Several hands shot up. "none? Good, then lets see the adjuncts, I mean teachers. " The grumbling teachers stepped up into the light.   
"OH MY GOD! DONT TELL US THEY ARE OUR TEACHERS!!!! " said Duo  
Their teachers turned out to be Zechs, Noin, a cardboard cut-out of Treize, and Dorothy.   
"And here are your teachers! In the science department are Leuit-um- Zechs or whateverhisnameisnow- and Noin."  
  
Wufei raised his hand. "Why the hell do we have to have two weakling teachers instead of one?"  
"For" Une glared at the Gboys "security reasons".  
Wufei muttered "injustice!" under his breath.  
"And we have Dorothy and Treize teaching reading. The health teachers are to be announced by lunch. The Gboys and the two former OZ leuitenants were too frozen with shock to hear anything else.  
****************************************************  



	2. No Need for an Explanation

Chapter 2 : No need for an explanatin  
  
Teacher's lounge, 1345 hours,   
"Okay comrades, attention! We have exatly 1 hour and 15 minutes before the health class starts   
and we need to figure out whose teaching health. Since Treize still hasn't shown up- "  
"Hes DEAD Colonel Une!" said Zechs in a flat montone. He then elaborated on how the cardboard cut-out was not able to make it off the stage and that the real Treize had gone to the big auditourium in the sky.  
  
"No, Mister Treize-sama cannot be dead!"  
"*sigh* He died 2 and a half years ago. Wufei killed him. Get that through your head!" said Noin.   
" SHUT UP!! You two will be teaching SexEd !!" snapped Colonel Une.  
"Why ME!!" yelled Zechs. "Why the heck should I tech about sex!"  
"Because your name rhymes with it. Now Go. And I dont like you Noin." said Colonel Une with an evil sadistic grin. Zechs and Noin slunk out of the teacher's lounge muttering " . . . bitch . ."  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY???!!!""  
"Nothing! Nothing!"  
  
1500 hours   
  
"That last class was useless. I had to wast half an hour of class trying to convince Dorothy that Treize will never come"  
"And that demented onna wouldn't get off my back! Something about getting revenge cuz i killed Treize. Injustice!"  
" She tried to stab me with her pen! Im still aching over that LAST time she impaled me! When I said that she was a nice teacher deep inside, she treatened to turn me into a Pacifist shish-kabob" teared Quatre.  
" . . . ."  
"Hey! Lookie what we have here! Zechs and Noin teaching sex ed! This SHOULD be interesting!"  
  
I think that you can figure out who said what.  
  
Right then, two very depressed people stepped into the classroom. Zechs was wearing his trenchcoat and looking very ticked. Noin was wearing her civilian clothes and also a trenchcoat and was equally ticked.   
  
"Okay class. Ms. Noin and I will be teaching you about sex. Pay attention or I'll shoot you"  
All of the class fell silent. Well, except for the GBoys, who sniggered remembering the old times.  
"Um, as Mr. Zechs just said, we'll um be teaching you about sex and_all_that_lovely_stuff . . . "  
Quatre had a very confused look on his cute puppy dog face. Mr. Zechs began talking  
"Im assuming that you all know about compulation, so lets skip over to prot- huh, a question?"  
Quatre sheepishly raised his hand. He started his question slowly and gave his puppy dog eyes.  
"Um, Mr.Zechs, Ms.Noin, I don't really understand. "  
  
"What is there to understand?!" Zechs asked, fear building inside of him.  
"what, um, exaclty, IS sex?"  
Everybody in the class sweatdropped. Wufei muttered something about women(I think), Heero actually managed to look suprised and grunted in amazement, Trowa was trying to hold in laughter but said nothing, and Duo was falling off his chair from giggling insanely. The rest of the class followed Duo's suit to some extent. Zechs was cradling his head in his hands saying " why me" and rubbing his temples, and Noin was doing the same thing except she was saying something more along the lines of "oh dear kami-san". Which translates to "Oh dear God".  
  
"Um, I see that we have to start from the very beginning" growled Zechs. "Oh boy"  
Duo eagerly took out an audio recorder. Zechs took one look at the blasted thing and sighed.  
"Um, exactly how much DO you know, Quatre?" asked Noin. "Have you ever heard the word sex before ever?!"  
"Um . .. no" said a very confused Quatre. Heero look amused. So, his rival would be explaining the idea of, well, you know, to Quatre. Interesting. He was certainly grateful that Relena wasn't in his class.  
"Hmn, okay." said Zechs as he thought of an idea. His eyes flashed across the room as he searched for something to use. When he found nothing that could be of aid to him, he thoguht some more. What if . . .Aha!  
"I'll be back in a minute!" He ran out of the room and came back with something from Ms. Catalonia's homeroom.   
  
"Voodoo dolls?" said Duo. " Okay Mr. Zechs, now youve really lost it"  
"Yes, they are voodoo dolls, and no, I have not really lost it" said Zechs as he gave a couple of dolls to Noin. " Now Quatre, when two people meet . . ."  
Then Duo said, "Hey mister! We wanted to learn about sex, not how you two met!"  
"Hey! Shut up! Just be glad Dorothy isn't teaching this class!"  
"Injustice!"  
"If you two are so damn smart, then why don't YOU teach the class!"  
'Whaat?! I do not want to be teaching alongside this braided baka-ish onna weakling american person!!!!"  
Lady Une's voice sounded over the intercom "Class! Due to excessive snow storms, class will be dissmissed early today!!"   
Zechs and Noin loooked eternally grateful   
"That was the one time I was glad to hear Hitler's voice . . ." said Noin.  
"Tell me about it".  
Duo started skipping out of the room and toward the dorm. "Wahoooo!!! We. Are. FREE!!"  
"I can finally get to work on my gundam" said Heero, referring to his model kit.  
Wufei was just glad that he din't have to talk about sex. Quatre was still confused. Trowa said nothing. And Dorothy had started hugging the cardboard cut-out of her cousin. Nobody noticed Duo messing around with Zech's breifcase. . . .   
  



End file.
